Wherever you will go
by GetOnTheIce
Summary: Hawkeye comes home facing the loss of the people he waved goobye in Korea. Rated T for being a little melancholic


These characters are not mine --- I love them though and want them to feel good! They belong to Fox and I thank Fox for developing them. I also thank Alan and Loretta for faithfully playing Hawk and Mags for 11 years and giving me so much pleasure. This story was inspired by the song "Wherever you will go" by The Calling who also own the lyrics quoted in this story later.

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WHEREVER YOU WILL GO

I stare at her, not knowing what to say. This will be goodbye then. She looks away, avoiding my gaze. Could she be nervous, too. Then finally she looks up. I am lost for words. She is the most beautiful woman I ever met. Inside and outside. Then, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, we move, we fly into each others arms. We kiss. She smells like roses and tastes like strawberries and chocolate. I smile inwardly at this thought. I kissed her many times: For fun, in fear of death, as a friend, but this time it is desperate. I don't want to let her go. I don't want to say goodbye. She has thrown herself into my arms, I hold her tightly to my body, knowing that I cannot hold her. Knowing that we move on. Alone. I tighten my grip a last time, then we move apart. We don't say goodbye. I was haunting Beej not being able to say goodbye and now I don't say it myself. I cannot wave her goodbye. „See you" .. „So long" is all we say, not knowing how long that will be, not knowing whether we are going to see us again. Probably we'll never see each other again and so long means forever.

Then the jeep takes her away and nothing is going to stop it. She leaves us in the dust, taking her smile with her. Taking all the beauty that I found in this place with her. I watch the jeep leaving. I want to run, to stop her, but my feet are nailed to the ground while my heart is torn apart. I say my goodbyes to Charles and the Colonel. I say my jokes, smile, but inwardly everything is dull and empty. I look into BJ's eyes. We smile, he takes me up to my chopper, we hug, tears in our eyes and then I get onto the chopper, we take off and the rotors lift us higher and higher. "goodbye", he finally said goodbye, I smile, tears in my eyes and all out of a sudden I am sure, I am going to see him again. We will stay friends, we will manage. The chopper takes me to Seoul, I catch my flight to Tokyo.

I am sitting in my hotel room. I could visit this town for the last time, instead I am sitting here alone. I decide to grab some diner. My flight back to the states, back home, will leave early tomorrow, but knowing that I will be home soon now isn't just the same anymore. I leave too much behind and I start to doubt, whether losing them all is worth going home. I shake my head to come back to normal. How can I think that. The food was good and after some drinks I managed to find some rest in this old bed. I must have been tossing around during the night. The linen is spread all over the bed. I get onto my plane back home.

Wearing my class A uniform everybody stares at me when I get off at the terminal in LA. The airport is crowded with people waiting. Hungry eyes searching the uniforms for a face they know, a husband, a son, a father. I still have to go some more hours, to Boston and then to Portland, where hungry eyes will greet me, where my father's strong arm will greet me, hug me. In Boston I shave in the dressing room. I look in the mirror, not recognizing myself anymore. My hair is salt and pepper now. I never seemed to have noticed it back there. My cheeks are hollow and I wonder what has happened to me. I look into my eyes, play with the mirror, try to wink at myself, to set on this grin of mine that makes hearts melt instantly. I manage the grin, I manage the wink but still they are not the same. They are on the outside only, inside I feel dull.

I get off the plane in Portland, slide through the people standing there, to greet my father. Tears in our eyes. We hug. He smiles at me, but I see worry in his eyes. "Welcome home let's grab some food" he manages to say, swallowing tears of joy. On our way home we grab some food and I am glad, that we don't go home straight ahead. I never thought that coming home would be so strange, so hard. I have been away almost three years, but it seems like a lifetime. He seems to know, talks casually about daily stuff, leaving me time to think, to get acquainted to what should be normal life. I am glad to have him back, still… still I am feeling so alone like I have never felt before.

We enter Crabapple Cove and I am looking at the streets, the homes, like I never have seen them before. We enter the house. He told everybody that we are going to have a big welcome party some time, but that he wouldn't share his son with anyone the day, he has got him back. I am glad for this arrangement. He wouldn't have minded having a big party today, but he is a wise old man and knows better. I am standing in the hall, inhaling the smell of this old home, looking around in awe just to find everything in his right place. Dad puts his warm hand on my shoulder and I turn to face him. "Welcome home, son". I nod, tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do now, never came back from the war and all out of a sudden I feel very tired. My arms and legs seem to weigh tons. My father takes my bag and takes me up the stairs, opening the door to my room. I enter slowly. "You look tired, why don't you take a shower and then lie down". I nod thankfully, not knowing what to do, but he telling me what to do.

He pads my shoulder. "I love you, son" and leaves me alone. I am standing in the room, looking around. I open the jacket of my class A uniform, loosen the tie, get out of the shoes. I am awfully tired. I throw myself on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I close my eyes and all I see are those icy blues eyes of her. I stare at the ceiling again, not wanting to think of her. Not wanting to remember her. I close my eyes again, wanting to see her eyes again, her smile, tears welling up in my eyes, I throw myself into the image of her face sealed withinin my mind. I am falling, falling, falling deep. Expecting to hit the ground, but don't do. I am concentrating all my mind on opening my eyes. I sit up and decide to take a shower. I am going to the bathroom, staring into the mirror again while slowly unbuttoning my shirt and slipping out of my trousers. I step into the shower and let the warm water flow over my tired body.

I close my eyes and hold my face directly into the water. I see her again, remember the time when me and Trapper gave her a shower to sober her. I smile at the thought of the time with her, of seeing her human, non- army side that time. She was so cute, so passionate. And then she threw herself into Trappers arms. I didn't show, but it hurt me. Although I hated her then, it hurt me. A needle in my heart, just a tiny one, but still she managed to place it in the middle of my heart, staying there as a reminder that she and me are just too different. That it would never work out. Not even what she said back in the swamp would remove the needle. It stayed there and it is still there, amongst so many more needles she managed to place into my heart since then.

I shake my head, bringing me back to Cove. To my fathers house. I turn of the water and slip into my civilian bathrobe, avoiding the mirror I am commanding my feet to slowly take me back into my room. I let myself fall onto the bed again, close my eyes. I cannot stop her now. The memories of her, no, she herself has taken control of my whole being. I stare at her, when she walks over the compounded, admiring her body, her walk, her hair shining in the sunlight. I remember when I dipped her into a long kiss, and she kissing me back, just to annoy Frank the Ferret. She felt so good, so warm and as soon as she switch off the Major, her kiss, her longing met my whole being. I never met a woman kissing like her, giving everything, not only a bit, not only sliding her tongue into a mans mouth, but giving herself completely over to passion, holding back nothing.

Since I dipped her in this kiss I started to envy Frank. She still was a monster in a Major's uniform, but she was the most passionate woman I ever met and I knew that she was the only woman who would ever meet my own passion and be able to hold it. I wanted her, knowing that we probably would kill each other, knowing that it would never work out, knowing that my chasing the nurses and her playing Hotlips would never make it possible for the passion to take over. Whatever she might have felt in this kiss, we both knew, that we would ruin each other, being together.

I was smiling, my eyes still closed, remembering the night we spent in the hut. Passion overwhelming us. Stripping not only cloths but also our souls. Letting down our guard, discovering each others beauty. I never made love to a woman so intensely. Holding her in my arms, feeling her body close to mine, closer and closer we seemed to be one, hungrily taking in each others passion and filling each other with our own. I never knew, but though the morning after was worse than after an evening of getting badly, I mean really badly, drunk, but she planted something into my heart, something that was growing gradually and she took something of myself away, with her. Tears were welling in my eyes again.

I get up, searching for my PJs. Later we became friends, standing together against the insanity of war, being there for each other, occasionally holding each other tight, but nothing more. Being friends, sometimes soulmates. BJ is my best friend, but she was different. She seemed to understand without telling her. She seemed to look right in the bottom of my soul and the better we knew each other, the more I saw how beautiful she really was. She had directed all her passion in becoming a good and tough Major, but then she changed and I found out that she not only is passionate, but also compassionate. I look into the mirror and catch myself smiling tenderly when thinking of her. I change into my pyjamas and lie down again. I feel awfully tired, but whenever I close my eyes, I see her. She seems to follow me everywhere.

I slip into the bed and stare at the ceiling. I miss her, knowing she is and always will be the only woman I ever loved. I like to think that she started to let her guard down after the night in that hut, that I managed to help her to let her real self show more and more. I close my eyes again because I am awfully tired. My mind wanders to the double solitaire scrabble we shared in the O-Club. Where is the "y" for sympathy? You are looking for L-O-V-E? Here it is. Here I am. I love you. I know that it is most probably insane to love you, because you don't love me back. Tears are running over my face. I don't want to hold them back. Still, I cannot stop loving you. Stop wanting you. We might not be the lovers we secretly dreamed of, but we are perfect for each other. Matching. Not the perfect guy, not the perfect girl. Just two wandering souls lot in the insanity of life itself.

I wanted to tell you, that I love you, but I couldn't. Wanted to shout it from the mountain top, whisper it into your ear. But it wasn't the right time. We were in war, with Korea, with each other, with ourselves. There is no future for us. We go separate ways, we'll never see each other again. We lost. Lost each other. Lost love. I love you, I always will. I wish you well. My heart and love will always be yours. My love will always be with you, wherever you will go.

So lately, been wondering

Who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone you'll need love

To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all

Then between the sand and stone

Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out

A way to make it back someday

To watch you, to guide you

Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all

Then I hope there's someone out there

Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart

Run away with my hope

Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how

My life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind

I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time

I'll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine

I'll go wherever you will go

I'll go wherever you will go

Finally I managed to fall asleep. I felt like dead. It was a deep and dreamless sleep. When I woke up the next morning I realized that it was already lunchtime. I am taking a shower to wash away the night and the mourning. I climb down the stairs and Dad awaits me in the kitchen. His head is stuck behind the Crabapple Cove Herald and he puts it down slowly when he hears me enter, smiling broadly, telling me more than words can tell, how glad he is that I am back. I pour myself some coffee. My dad makes the worst coffee I ever tasted, but I don't mind at all, because it is the coffee he made and I love him. Love to be back. Love to be home. We start to talk, he lets me take control, not asking too much, but not letting me slip away either. He is great. No wonder he is such a good physician. I wonder at him. He seems to be even more talented than Sidney in making people talk.

He doesn't ask for plans and I am glad he doesn't. He looks worried, I notice him glancing at me, putting huge amounts on food on my plate and trying my old trousers I notice how thin I have become. I take long walks in the sun, bath in the sea and visit all the places of my childhood, discovering newly the beauty of my hometown. I meet the people, chat, eat, go fishing. I enjoy life, still I am depressed. I look into the mirror trying out my smile and it is gone still. I close my eyes to see her. Her smile, her eyes. Wherever I go, I take her with me. Whatever place I visit, I want her to be with me. All the beauty seems so dull. I want to share it, share it with her. BJ calls some weeks later. He is home and happy. He has is family back, found his love again. I am happy for him. I am glad he called. He started to work.

I spent my time sleeping or taking long walks. I know my Dad is worried. I had some psychology at University, too. I am on the verge of a depression. But I don't want to go on. With her gone there is nothing to live for anymore. I cannot live without her love. I don't want to live without her. My Dad begs me to help him at the clinic. He is getting older and would want some more spare time. I know he wants to help and I know it would do me good to help, to work again to distract my thoughts. I agree on taking some afternoon shifts the following week. I can see that he is immensely relieved that I agreed. I hate to put him though this, but I don't know what to do.

I am lying on my bed. Staring at the ceiling. Thinking of her. Tears welling up in my eyes. I need her so desperately. The door bell rings. I close my eyes. My dad is in his office, officially called the library, and will answer. I am not expecting anyone. It is probably some emergency call. I hear him guiding someone up the stairs. I am still lying on my bed, not wanting to move, not wanting to see anybody.

The door to my room is opened slowly, I lift my head to see who is entering. It is dark and my eyes are full of water, but I would recognize this silhouette everywhere. She closes the door and slowly walks towards the bed not realizing, that I am awake. When she is standing next to the bed I can see her eyes. We are staring into each other's eyes. She is crying silently, tears running down her face, leaving black stains as a reminder on her cheeks. I reach out for her, offering my hand. She takes it and willingly let herself be pulled next to me. We slide our arms around each other, hugging one another tightly. Crying. Letting the pain out. The sobbing decreases, she looks up into my eyes. Looking into my soul. I see the pain, the desperation, but there is something more, more tender, more sincere and I know that it is in my eyes also. "I love you" she whispers. "I love you also". We kiss, tenderly. I am holding her even closer to myself, never wanting to lose her again. "I want to be with you always" I whisper. "And I don't want to leave you anymore. I'll go wherever you will go" she answers.

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So … this is my very first English fanfiction. I apologize for my rotten English, I am not a native speaker, but I enjoyed your stories so much, so I wanted to give something back. This little story literally came over me over night when listening to the quoted song and I wrote it down within a few hours only. Hope you enjoyed it.


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